Day 02-First Love

Shoooosh I know its late! Just be happy I followed through :P

We were both young 
When I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I’m standing there
On a balcony in summer air
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say hello
Little did I know...

It was my Sweet Sixteen. The DJ was playing "Sixteen Candles" and he winked at me over my giant cookie. He chased me around the front yard, pulled me up into his arms and carried me inside to keep me from seeing Woody and his crew decorating my bedroom. My mom snapped a photo of us as he carried me through the front door. I was dressed in a lavender ball gown. He was in all black. We were laughing and carefree.

 We had known each other for a few months. We met while working crew on the school's fall play. He was a senior and 18, I was a sophomore. I had had a crush on him for months, but he had dated a girl in his class very briefly and she was very protective. Even my friend had a crush on him. So when he asked me to go out to coffee a few days after my birthday. I was ecstatic. But I didn't quite realize that it was a date.
We went to Arsaga's and drank coffee and talked. Afterward he drove us out to Lincoln and we walked around the dark woods watching the stars.

My first date, and I didn't even know it. We went on a few dates and I didn't put too much thought into it until our friend Caren said something about me dating him. I was shocked. I hadn't thought about it in that way before. 

Then the next night, he invited me to come over to his place where his mom was making spaghetti. I readily agreed, realizing that things were special between us.

He drove up the driveway of his house and turned off the car and said he had something he wanted to talk about. I was nervous and giddy as he turned around in his seat and produced a single long stem red rose and asked me to be his girlfriend. Cheesy was a word that would quickly be used to describe us. I said yes and without thinking kissed him. We made out for fifteen minutes in his car outside of his mother's house. It was apparent our relationship would move quickly. That night, after meeting his mother. Was absolutely amazing. We ate and watched "The Lost Boys" I was on Cloud 9. We talked and laughed over the candlelit dinner.  

Today was a fairytale, you were the prince
I used to be a damsel in distress
You took me by the hand, and you picked me up at six
Today was a fairytale, today was a fairytale

Today was a fairytale, I wore a dress

You wore a dark gray t-shirt

You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess

Today was a fairytale

Time slows down whenever you're around

But can you feel this magic in the air?

It must have been the way you kissed me

Fell in love when I saw you standing there

The relationship progressed quickly. After dating for a month, I lost my virginity to him.

For all intensive purposes it was a storybook relationship. He showered me with roses. He was kind. He was a gentleman. He never pushed for anything physical and he never got frustrated with my lack of experience... While visiting some friends of his, Cliff and Melissa, they were talking about the prom. Which would be Brian's senior prom. When Cliff asked what I was wearing, I answered that I wasn't going as I hadn't been invited. Brian looked shocked. Picked me up in his arms and carried me to another room. There he looked down and in a very serious voice asked me to be his date to his prom. I agreed and laughing we went back to them.

A month later (to the date) he went to visit a friend of his. When he didn't answer my pages I knew something was wrong. I called our friend Max to come over and he held me while I cried.

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
The smiles, the flowers, everything: is gone
Yesterday I found out about you
Even now just looking at you: feels wrong
You say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes..
The next day, Brian admitted that he had cheated. He had gone to her house the night before and had sex with her. He said it was an accident. It destroyed me. He had been the first person I ever trusted completely and in one instant, destroyed it. What made it worse was the fact that she paraded it around like some sort of great accomplishment. She approached me at school and said that he did it because I wasn't experienced enough. That I wasn't good in bed. That he wanted a real woman. 

A few days later, Brian left town. He needed to get away so he went to his family farm in South Dakota to think. During that time, Brandi decided to focus her energy on me. While walking home from school one day, she stopped and told me to get in her car. I was in such a depressed mood I wasn't thinking. She drove me to her mother's job. Her mother informed me that she was hoping Brandi was pregnant. And that I should leave them alone as I wasn't what Brian wanted. If I was, he wouldn't have cheated. When Brandi drove me home she threw something at me and said it was a gift.

It was a very short denim dress. Very low cut, spaghetti strap, hit about mid thigh. She said that if I wore that, maybe guys would notice me more and like me more. I have always struggled with my self-esteem. This was just one more hit to it. It would be the start of a downward spiral.

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now
Why would you wanna make the very first scar
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

Brian came back after a week. We talked, and agreed to try to work things out. A few days later he went to spend the night at Brandi's again because her mother was out of town. I felt uncomfortable with the idea so I asked that he take Max. 

Prom came and we went with Max and Concubine. We visited his grandparents. We visited his mother and her friends. We took photos. We laughed over dinner. He was the old Brian. The beautiful perfect person I had fallen in love with...

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

We arrived late to the prom. We walked in and started to dance. I was pressed against his chest, as he hummed the song into my ear, kissing me on the top of my head. Max danced by with his date and smiled and winked at me. 

Then I saw her. Brandi was standing next to us. Glaring at our close embrace. She asked to cut it and before I knew it. They were dancing. . . I stumbled away and within minutes I felt arms around me. 

Max had seen the confrontation and left his date to be with me.  He twirled me around into his arms and danced with me, being careful to keep me away from where Brian and Brandi danced and wiped my tears away.

And when the stars are shining brightly 
In the velvet sky, 
I'll make a wish 
Send it to heaven 
Then make you want to cry.. 
The tears of joy 
For all the pleasure and the certainty. 
That we're surrounded 
By the comfort and protection of.. 
The highest power. 
In lonely hours. 
The tears devour you.. 
I want to stand with you on a mountain, 
I want to bathe with you in the sea. 
I want to lay like this forever, 
Until the sky falls down on me... 

Graduation came. And I watched as he graduated and celebrated.  He introduced me to his brother David. We spent time with his family and his friends. 

The summer went well. I went to Texas to visit family and he called often. We talked and things slowly started to get better.

I came home and dealt with Max leaving for boot camp. Brian and I spent many hours together. We talked, we bickered. We laughed and we grew closer. I was still struggling with my pain from the infidelity and issues at home.

 One day, as I was struggling with my self esteem after we had made love, he dragged me to the mirror and made me tell him what I liked about myself. Then he went over everything he loved about me.

The summer was rather quiet. He prepared for college and I dealt with family issues. The autumn brought school for both of us. We had some minor squabbles. But for the most part things were great. 

One night in November, we had a fight over his ex-girlfriend V. Whom he was still close to and who hated me with a rather fiery passion. He stormed out of my apartment. I was sobbing on my bed when I heard him come back. He told me to get dressed. I obeyed and followed him to his car. We drove in silence. We drove to Elm Springs in silence. I knew the end was coming. My mind drifted to all of the happy moments; swimming at the lake, hiking through the woods, running to the store for fried chicken and Corn Flakes...ending up spending the day in bed. I had ruined it all with one fight.

We got to the lake and walked out on the new pier. I sat on the railing and he stood in front of me. I braced myself for the news. . .

And he told me he was in love with me. 

I was shocked and taken aback. While I knew I was madly in love with him, I didn't know how to handle him being in love with me. I was flustered and began babbling about a birthday of a mutual friend. He smiled, kissed me and said it again. Then we danced under the stars on the shore of the lake. 

Neither of us knew what was coming...

Could you whisper in my ear 
The things you wanna feel 
I'll give you anything 
To feel it comin' 

Do you wake up on your own 

And wonder where you are 

You live with all your faults 

I wanna wake up where you are 

I won't say anything at all 
So why don't you slide 

The next day, we went to a birthday party for our friend Betony. It was a theme party, so I was dressed in a heavy velvet Renaissance gown and he was dressed to match. We danced around the fire laughing and kissing. Surrounded by friends. It was one of the best nights of our relationship. I spent the night in his arms for the first time afterwards.

December came. While we were babysitting for his mother's friend. I became extremely ill. Driving home we had to stop several times while I retched. The look when his eyes met mine confirmed our fears.

Two days before Christmas, we met at his father's house before going to meet with his grandparents. He held me when the test instantly turned positive.

We waited a couple of weeks before telling our family. We told my mother first and that didn't go well. 

He told his mother alone, and then took me over there to talk to her. She shared her thoughts and after the pain, confusion and fear became too much and I broke down in tears.

We went to the doctor together with my mother. He wasn't allowed to go in with me. When the doctor performed the ultrasound, she was shocked. I was further along than anyone thought.

I was 16 years old and 16 weeks pregnant. 

Telling my father went much better than I thought it would. My mother told him herself. But when he met with him, he was calm. He wasn't screaming and he wasn't threatening. Something I will forever be thankful for. 

Word soon spread. It was hard to keep it a secret for long. 

We had gone to his brother's house to meet them for dinner a few days after we told his mother. David's wife met us at the door and handed me the book "What to Expect when You're Expecting" The cat was indeed out of the bag now. 

I went through my pregnancy and he never left. 

The day of our ultrasound, we went together. He held my hand and stroked my hair when they announced that we were having a boy. It would have been a wonderful experience in a dark time.. . if it wasn't for his pager. Amber had been paging him every half hour. In my emotional hormonal mind, she had taken the moment away from me. I became childish and erupted in anger towards him over it. 

A few weeks later, we celebrated my 17th birthday at a concert. We left early because the pounding of the music excited the baby and made it uncomfortable. I knew that he regretted so much. He was missing out on many things because of the pregnancy.

One night, I asked him to feel the baby and he refused. 

I had no plans to go to prom that year. But my friend Renee was going and she talked me into going. Why should I miss out on so much more? One afternoon we went to her house and tried on gowns. It was a depressing experience trying to find something to fit over my growing belly. We finally found a gorgeous pink gown. Completely by accident. 

I took it home, and Brian had come over to see me. When he saw the gown hanging up, he realized that I planned to go alone.

Prom night came. Megan, Renee and Andy and a couple of their friends met at Shogun's for dinner. When we pulled up, Brian was standing there waiting. He had gone out of his way to come to my junior prom. Despite no warning. He had even spoken to the principal of the school in order to get admission despite not filling out paperwork. 

We danced the night away.  For one night, completely forgetting our situation and the stress and strain of our life. 

My classes ended. And I entered the summer scared and nervous. My family life had deteriorated and I was living with my father.

Many nights I spent curled up in my room around my belly trying not to breathe in the fumes from my father's drugs. Brian did what he could. He kept me out of the house as much as possible. Attended my appointments. He held me while I cried. 

One day he picked me up and we went to the ice skating arena. Obviously in my condition I couldn't skate. So I sat in the stands while he skated with Amber. It hurt. So much. Seeing him skate around and laugh with some other girl. While I could only watch dealing with feeling exceptionally unattractive and huge.

Our relationship had already started to deteriorate. I didn't handle pregnancy well. Nor did I handle it how he felt I should have. I was emotional. I was depressed. I was confused and scared and angry. At myself, at him, at everyone and everything around me. I knew it was my own fault.

I went into labor on July 1st. Brian had come over and we were putting a puzzle together. Every few moments I would get up and clean. The contractions were uncomfortable but I wasn't ready to admit that I was in labor. I brushed it off until it became too much. 

We walked around the neighborhood for a couple hours until he finally convinced me to go to the hospital. He held me through the contractions. 

When my father blew up and started to threaten him over my bed. He held his own. Security was notified to keep my father away.

Yet my mom, who had been angry and bitter throughout my entire pregnancy did a complete 180. She was calm. She was caring. She calmed us both.

Shortly after 11 am, on July 2nd, 2000. I gave birth to his son. 

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line

Along with place and time

Want to stay, not to go, I want to ditch the logical

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

The next day. He sat on the bed with me calming my tears. An hour later, we signed away our rights to our child. 

We left the hospital later that day. He took me to my mother's and tucked me into bed. 

A week later, we returned to the theater. Everyone knew the story. The stares, the looks...he took it all in stride. I was not so lucky.

8 weeks later. He broke up with me.

I hit rock bottom. In the course of two months I had lost everything. My son. The one person that loved me completely and that I loved more than anything.

We stayed friends. And after a couple of months, we were back together but it wasn't the same. The memory of our son was too painful. I was struggling with issues at home as was he. During one the breaks in our relationship, I had had a fling with Max. Something Brian took as a personal insult and to this day has yet to completely forgive us for.  We struggled to work through things. He had always been flirtatious with other girls. Something that hurt me and brought up painful memories of Brandi. 

He didn't like the person I was when I was on birth control. We fought over the Max issue. We fought over the Amber issue. We fought over what we wanted out of the relationship. I wanted more. He didn't.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

We both tried. But the snide comments from him hurt more than ever. The emotional instability I was dealing with drove him further away. He became colder, and colder. I knew he loved me. But I also knew that it wasn't what he wanted. His anger towards me and towards himself ate at him. The pain he had caused, the pain I had caused pushed me away. 

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

After another mistake, we realized that we had ruined each other too much.

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you 

Time has a way of moving on. Regardless of how much you wish to go back and fix things. After a few years, we ran into again. I was pregnant with Brandon and hadn't seen him in over a year. The shock of seeing me pregnant made him speechless. We exchanged pleasantries and he left as quickly as he could. 

When my relationship with Keven ended shortly after Brandon's birth. We ran into each other again and we started to date again. With his rule that we were not exclusive. Things were going well. We weren't arguing often. We were getting along and enjoying each other again

That ended and we went a couple more years without talking.

Life has moved on for both of us. He's happily married now and is expecting another child. While I'm happy for him. I can't express the pain it also causes me. While I know logically our decisions were based on our age and my behavior. Part of me will always feel that I was passed over because I wasn't good enough to be the mother of his children. Part of me still hates the fact that I dealt with so many mistakes on both of our parts. Yet his wife doesn't have to deal with any of it. In my most emotional spots, I will always feel like the scratch paper in his life. Where he got all of his major mistakes out, preparing him for someone better. I wish him well in life. He will always be my first love and I will always love him. God only knows how much pain and scars I caused him.


  1. You're such a strong soul, C. I admire your strength in life and all that it has thrown at you.

  2. Wow...I knew the basics of this story, but it's still so poignant to read all the details. I hope you know that even though that was probably the toughest part of your life, it helped make you the beautiful and compassionate woman you are today. I admire you so much!

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this. You are truly a brave woman and it is an honor to know you. It was pretty damn therapeutic for me to read as well. I've struggled with painful memories of my first love (that often invade my dreams, leaving me troubled for days afterward) and an emotionally difficult pregnancy. Sometimes I was amazed at how I will still alive despite the enormous emotional agony I was in. I just REALLY appreciate that you posted this story...


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