I've been feeling nostalgic lately. So I scoured the Internet for copies of my high school yearbooks. I was able to locate a blank copy of my Senior year. It came in and I was looking through it with my daughter. I showed her my senior photo, showed her my teachers and was flipping through it when she pointed out this photo. No one was tagged in it. The description was very vague. But Sami noticed me sitting in the lower corner and asked about it.
My mind drew a blank. I recognized a few of the faces. I recognized the theatre it was taken in. But I didn't remember why I was dressed up, the show or really anything. The title of the play sounded familiar. I knew that the senior class always put on a children's play as part of their graduation requirements for theater. But I couldn't remember why I was in it. I was always a backstage person. Usually working in tech. So I posted the photo to Facebook, and tagged those I could identify.
My friends, Theresa (seated next to me in the gingham dress) and Kyndl (dressed in black standing it the back) started posting about it, and the memories slowly started trickling back.
I was 17 and when this photo was taken, four or five months postpartum and I was in the midst of one of the darkest years of my life. I was lost and lonely. This was the first time I had to perform around children after placing my baby for adoption. I was terrified. My friend was the one that did the casting and directing. I was desperate to be backstage away for the small children and begged her not to put me on stage. But alas, she cast me as Golidlocks. (Im pretty sure because I was the only curly headed blonde ;) Most definitely not based on my acting skills )
The premise of the show, was the tornado from The Wizard of Oz hits the town and all of the Storybook characters forget their stories and get mixed up in other stories. (I ended up in Little Bo Peep's story) the kids in the audience had to help us get back to our original stories. It truly was a terrifically written story. The children loved it. They truly believed we were our characters. I was asked be several kids if they could touch my curls and if they were real. (They totally were) Their small hands grabbing mine on stage, climbing on my lap after the show and hugging me tight was surreal.
I leaned on these people so much that year. I would go days without sleep, I lost massive amounts of weight. I stopped eating, I trusted very little. My day started at 7am in a math class I needed to make up for the time I missed the year before when I was too sick to go to class. Math was already a terrible subject for me. But my theater friends were there. Abbie, an underclassman was in my class, she and I had worked on shows together before and she was my sunlight during those dark, cold mornings. And every time I stepped into that 7th period class, Kyndl would be singing, Amanda would smile at me, Sophia Z would always be smiling and cheerful despite her own struggles with finding herself while in a Deep South High school. Theresa would walk in, with an air of grace and peace, filling the air with an electric energy she still carries to this day, and Trey, his long limbs folded while he focused on memorizing his latest piece for tournament.
Ray, who would drop everything and come over to just sit in his car with me while I struggled with my emotions. Who was my best friend my senior year despite being eons smarter than I will ever be. Ryan, who came over in the middle of the night with a cold Dr Pepper to keep my mind off the bad dreams, Megan, who took me out into the middle of the woods two weeks after giving birth so I could get away from the world. Kyndl who would not think anything of the fact that I was desperate to go with her for lunch, just so I wouldn't be alone. Driving around in her black Tiburon was one of my happiest memories of my senior year.
There were others, Whose names I've yet to remember This was my family. We were all so young and going through so many different things. But in their own ways, they pulled together to pull me out of my own misery, taking on a subject we were all too young to have to handle. Theater was my escape. The friends I made working on shows and tournaments that year, the responsibilities I was given during the year is the only thing that kept me treading water from stage managing the fall play, to student director of our Miss SHS pageant.
I cannot express how grateful I was for every single person that year.
For the rehearsals, for the hours spent in the dark listening for cues. The laughter in the greenroom and the dressing rooms, weeks spent building sets, yelling at each other for missed lines, for late night conversations on the bus during tournaments, pushing each other to perform better, to be the best we could possibly be, for the hugs and the cheers, the roses and the applause.
To all of my Drama and Forensics family, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So last month, Nate and I made the decision to start eating less processed foods, more vegetables and less red meat. Ew! Why??
Because we're both realizing that the last year has done a number on our diet and our health. Adjusting to Arizona, dealing with reintegration, long work hours and crazy amounts of stress has taken a toll on us. But it definitely isn't too late to alter our path.
So we decided to start making better food decisions. I have never been a fan of diets. For one, I've never really had a need for it. I usually know to burn more calories than I ingest, but 8-13 hours at a computer has really put a damper on that. Also, Nate makes the best Chicken Fried Steak.
Soooo good.
Nate is much more on board with this than I am.
My biggest obstacle so far is the sheer amount of food.
Sounds crazy, huh?
I usually eat once a day and graze.There have been days I just forget to eat. This is apparently terrible for your metabolism. So I'm working on making healthier choices and eating balanced meals.
I've been posting my meals throughout the week in an effort to hold myself accountable. (And hoping a nice filter makes me want the food more?)
Day 1:
Nate has started making me drink a daily concoction I have named "Mop Water" it is supposedly only hot water with honey and lots and lots of honey. It smells like mop water. It tastes like...hot water with wayyyy too much lemon. Apparently this is a healthy thing to start your day with. I like to start my day with whining and mumbling when I see him walking into my office. (Feigning sleep at the computer to get out of it has yet to prove successful)
Breakfast is something I just have never been a big fan of. It seems way to early to be prepping food and eating and digesting. But alas, people say it's important.
Breakfast: 8:15am
1 Hard-Boiled Egg
1 Medium Banana
Slice Whole Wheat toast with Strawberry Preserves
1 Bottle Odwalla Orange Juice
HOLY HELL! How do people eat this much food before 9am?? This seriously took me over an hour to eat. But I do love the juice.
When I was boiling the eggs, I thought I'd be smart and boil 5 or 6 at a time for the week. Turned the eggs on, went upstairs to answer a few emails really quick while they cooked.
1 email turned into 6, 1 chat turned in 50. Whoops. Only 2 eggs exploded. Not bad.
One day I will even learn how to de-shell eggs. Im pretty sure I lost half the egg in the de-shelling process.
Lunch: 2:00 PM
Time to eat again!?!?!? But I just ate!
Also, I am pretty sure I spent more time in my kitchen this week than I have in the month prior.
I found this recipe somewhere on Pinterest. I don't remember where it was and I'm pretty sure I didn't even follow it. Because I suck at following recipes. But I tried to write out how to do this below.
Ingredients:
3 large eggs (I use Organic, Pasture-Raised eggs. These are slightly expensive, though. So use whatever you want)
1/2 cup-ish Cheddar Cheese cubed
1/2 cup-ish Turkey I used Boar's Head Oven-Roasted which I diced up..(Actually just sort of whacked repeatedly with a very sharp knife.)
1-2 cups Broccoli
1 Whole Wheat tortilla
1/2 tablespoon butter (Use the real stuff if you can. Margarine is the devil's grease)
1) Heat pan with butter (without burning it! I failed on that part)
2) Mix Turkey, Cheese, Eggs and Broccoli in a bowl.
3) Once pan is heated, toss in mixture and cook until done. Whatever done means to you. I pulled it when the eggs were cooked. The cheese hadn't melted completely which makes me wonder if I should have shredded it for it to melt quicker. But the slight cheese chunks added some interesting texture.
4) YAY it's cooked! Now toss it in the tortilla, wrap it up and devour.
Note: I didn't realize until after I cooked it that it was indeed 2 servings. Im not sure how well it would freeze or store. So I wrapped one up and made Nate eat it, despite the fact he had just eaten a tuna sandwich. Before realizing this I was pretty close to crying at the thought of having to eat the huge amount of filling this makes. But yes. This will make 2 servings. You should probably just eat 1 ;)
I was actually quite happy with this. It was extremely filling and very quick to make. Definitely something I'd eat again. Not sure how healthy it is. But it can't be too bad.
Dinner: 4:00 PM
So this was about the time I realized that the soup I had planned, was totally not going to work. I looked at the cook time wrong, instead of 2 hours, it had to cook for 6-8
So I made crockpot Macaroni and Cheese instead. It would have been great if I remembered to keep it plugged in....
So that is Day 1. Nothing crazy, I also didnt get a chance to snack because I was way too full from the Breakfast and Lunch.
Day 2 brings us more eggs and tuna and a soup that I finally got to make! Come back tomorrow for that!
Here are some horrible inappropriate songs to kick off your weekend! Don't believe me? Ask a 7 year old to sing them .. I've never really been one to censor my music. I don't necessarily listen to anything crazy in the first place, so there wouldn't really be much to censor. Or so I thought Sami and I are not known for our subtlety and are known to bust out into song in the car. Since we live a good distance from the nearest town with a stop light, we're in the car a lot.
Yes, I'm the crazy girl singing and dancing in the car next to you
Until last week. When I for once listened to the lyrics of the songs Sami was singing.
Nothing like your 7 year old singing along to Prince!
Nothing wrong with that, right? ...right?
Listen closely there....
This is it, it's time for you to go to the wire
You will hit 'cause you got the burnin' desire It's your time, you got the horn so why don't you blow it?You are fine, you're filthy cute and baby you know it
Cream, get on topCream, you will copCream, don't you stopCream, sha boogie bop
I am a horrible mother... So I switch the next song. Oh look! Broadway!!! That can't be bad. She can sing Showtunes at school! Right??
...right??
Everyone's a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.
Oh sweet mother of God. NEXTTT NEXT!!!
Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady 'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together Even when you fall apart But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart
Wish I could be just a little less dramatic Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames Leave it to me to be holdin’ the matches When the fire trucks show up and there’s nobody else to blame
Can’t get revenge and keep a spotless reputation Sometimes revenge's just a choice you gotta make My mama came from a softer generation Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face
Well that's not too bad...That's almost cute! That's right, Sami! Rock on!
then I glance back...
Dear god she has the facial expressions to match.
I should apologize now for any future romantic interest she has. Word of Warning..Just don't break her heart. She may very well break your spine. .
Ok, maybe I should just turn the radio on. The radio is safe. What crazy stuff can the radio be up to?
Oh Justin Timberlake! Yes. This is safe.
Dirty babeYou see these shackles? Baby, I'm your slaveI'll let you whip me if I misbehaveIt's just that no one makes me feel this way Until we get to dance class and she starts singing and dancing. Oh myyyyy.
And my stomach drops. As my baby brother attends Santa Monica College and the last time he spoke he mentioned finals. . .
So I do what any normal crazy person does and checked his FB to see if he had updated to say "Yo I'm good!"
Which he hadn't. (Note to self: Remind brother that he has a million ways to communicate with me that he is in fact not dead and to use them or else he will be. Seriously. We have texting, Skype, FB, Twitter, PHONES, smoke signals the works)
So I text him. And start looking at flights to LAX because I'm not prone to overreaction or anything like that.
I text my mother and probably shave a good 10 years off her life as I simply say "There was a shooting at Jason's college. I know he had a final on campus today. But I can't get ahold of him. Have you?"
I'm not known to sugar coat things I guess.
I finally hear back from him and we have a strange interaction about his final. (Because only my brother would be worried about his final when his school is on lockdown because of an alleged shooting spree. Sign of the times or sign of my brother's quirkiness?)
After my heart stops racing and my bank account breathes a sigh of relief. I run to the commissary for groceries. As that's the thing to do on a Friday night in the summer.
Saturday:
Saturday I woke up with the beginning shadows of a cluster headache. Knowing I will be of no use to anyone once it hits and will in fact be a blubbering mess, I put on clean pajamas, close the blinds, add blankets and pillows to the sofa, stock the table with everything I need and Sami and I curl up for a day on the sofa with Doctor Who and cuddles.
Sunday:
Sunday I felt much better and decided to get out of the house for a bit.
I promise I'm not naked.And excuse the lack of make up :S
Sami and I grabbed brunch at Tally's Silverspoon an awesome little restaurant in downtown Rapid City. Since it was not the usual Hurricane force winds outside, we chose to sit on the sidewalk seating and eat. It was an awesome meal and it's definitely one of my favorite places in Rapid City.
I also took the time to lament the lack of sun on my shoulders. Irish heritage represent!
After brunch, we walked around downtown. Well, as much walking around as you can do on a Sunday in a town everything is closed on Sundays. I may dislike a lot about this station, but I do have to admit that downtown Rapid City is gorgeous. Not much architecturally wise has changed in years so it has a very nice retro feel to it. We walked around the streets and Art Alley for a bit before winding up back at Main Street square. Where I stopped in my favorite local bookstore Mitzi's.
They didn't have the book I was looking for so I settled on "Revenge wears Prada: The Devil Returns" by Lauren Weisberger and some new tea.
We swung by Who's Toy Store which is one of Sami's favorite places in the world (Cause they encourage you to play with everything)
And of course we had fun with the carnival mirrors
OMG I'm tall AND skinny!
One more stop at Dakota Thyme for a French baguette (Cause they cook crack into them, they're that good) and we decide its time to leave.
Since I was feeling indulgent, we stopped and got Sami an ice cream cone. Cause that's what you do when you're buttering up your 7 year old!
The rest of the afternoon was quiet. Sami worked on her Summer Learning program and played and I curled up in the chair with this
mmmm carbs.
(When I posted this on Twitter, I got a few questions about the red thing. I thought it was self explanatory but it's a tea cup with a lid. The handle is just turned towards the back.)
I finished the book that evening and Sami and I made sandwiches for dinner and watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
Definitely one of my favorite ways to spend the evening!
"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything
that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."
Pretty brutal, huh? At first glance it seems to be one of the most self centered pieces of advice. But the more I think about it, the more the truth in it is apparent. Every person you meet is a lesson. A lesson in humility, kindness, pain and happiness. Some of those grow you as a person. A tumultuous relationship grows you. It shows you what you will and will not accept. It shows you what you are capable of. It shows you the worst in life and the best. But once it no longer teaches you and only drags you down. You have to learn the final and hardest lesson. To love yourself enough to walk away.
I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately. Those that know me, know that I'm not a person with a huge amount of close friends. I'm a friendly person for the most part. But I keep a very small group of close friends. This is on purpose. When I'm in a friendship, I give it my all. I rarely do things by halves.
This also means I invest deeply in my friendships. If I'm close to a person, it takes a lot for me to sever the friendship completely. Because to me, it's akin to severing myself. My friends are my family. I love and respect my friends more than most of my family. Because the relationships are healthier, they are more open and loving and there is more support and respect.
One of my closest friend is a man that I met through my ex. We remained friends after the split and have built a strong friendship. I count him and his wife as my family. He knows me better than most people and still values me. He wants nothing from me but my friendship. We fight. He annoys the shit out of at least once a month or so. (And boy, do I annoy the crap out of him!) But there is respect. There is trust and there is no competition. We celebrate each other's triumphs and we mourn each others losses. I know that no matter what happens to me, he will be there and visa versa. I base my ideals of friendship off of my friendship with him. And I strive to be as deserving of his friendship as I can.
Last year I made the choice to sever a close friendship. It was one of the hardest things I did last year, and if you were around at any point last year, you know how big that was. Since last year was one of the darkest in my life.
I didn't make the choice lightly. It was several months coming. J wasn't a bad person. But her life was so dramatic, so full of strife, that I knew if I stayed in the friendship, it would cause me emotional and mental harm.
We were neighbors. We met while our spouses were deployed together and neither of us worked at the time. I've become quite the homebody lately. I enjoy my solitude and function well alone. She would make sure to pull me out of the house. We would go to Target, we would grab dinner, it started out very nice. We have many good memories that I will cherish. However, over the next couple of years we drifted apart. I went back to work and we both eventually moved to new houses. Our spouses deployed on the same rotation again, with my husband leaving earlier than hers. The day her husband left, she came over and our friendship seemed to take off again. I was working full time, my daughter was in school, and she had started college. We hung out, we talked and texted. It was nice.
She began an extramarital affair soon after her husband deployed. I knew of it, I met the guy and I tried to be supportive as I knew she was confused and I've made bad choices in the past and needed my friends more than anything at that point. I wouldn't say this was the beginning of the end. But I do know that it definitely fractured things. Since we first became friends she had said (possibly in a joking manner) that I was a bad friend. That my marriage was wrong because my husband let me do what I wanted and that he worshipped the ground I walked on. Many times she said he was a pushover. (Which, he really isn't. He just respects me) I brushed it off. I knew her marriage wasn't great so I didn't really like rubbing mine in. I knew she was joking for the most part, but I also knew there was an undercurrent of malice in her words. After she introduced me to The Guy, she started in on snide off handed comments about my appearance. While out at dinner one night, the manager of the restaurant was being friendly with me. Nothing inappropriate, but joking around and being friendly. She commented in a way that really made me stop. She turned to him and said "Yeah, she's skinny but she has a huge ass don't you think?" It struck me as very hateful and competitive. Why would a friend say something like that? Why did it matter what I looked like? Was she trying to compete for this stranger's attention? I was simply being friendly to the guy. But the look in her eyes was something I did not like. Once I had gone over to her house for a sleepover. The next day, she spent the entire day in her bedroom with The Guy while I cared for her child.
Her relationship with The Guy ended not long afterwards. Our spouses were set to return shortly as it was. I talked to The Guy randomly and got both sides of the break up and realized that she had told us drastically different stories of her husband. While I had asked several times if he was physically abusive, she said no, and that he was just an ass with a temper. She had told The Guy that he was physically abusive.
Sometime after the breakup of the affair, she had told The Guy that he was no longer allowed to speak to me. (I'm not sure why. I had Zero interest in the kid, but she felt threatened somehow) That became the end of our friendship. When I looked back and realized the friendship had solely been about her for a while. Her affair, her issues, her life. There was never any balance. It was emotionally draining, I was emotionally drained by her issues and they began to negatively affect my work and personal life. I looked back and could not think of the last time she had said a nice thing to me or inquired about my life. It had been months. I knew hanging on to the friendship would only drag me down.
Was it selfish? Yes. It was. I abandoned a friend I genuinely cared about when she needed friends the most.
Do I regret it? No. When I made the decision to sever the friendship, I felt relief. I no longer had someone telling me how horrible of a friend I was. I no longer had to stress about the next ball of drama exploding in my lap. I still care for her. I hope she is well. I know she recently had a child. I am pretty sure by her husband. I do not know if she ever told him of her affair. I seriously doubt it. But that was her choice. I hope her life is more figured out. I hope she is in a better place. I love her and her daughter A. But I could no longer stay. It was quickly becoming toxic. I worry about her. I worry about her child as I saw things that concerned me. But I had to let go. I had to respect myself enough to walk away from an unhealthy situation. And for that, I am saddened. I wish I could have stayed. I wish I could have been stronger. I let the friendship die. I could have spoken up sooner. But I didn't and that I will always regret.
I miss her. I miss our friendship in the early days and months. She is a sweet girl. But I was not the friend she needed. Nor was she what I needed in the end.
I have another friend that I worry is heading that way. And it pains me that it's getting to that point. But I have to ask myself if its mutually beneficial. Or am I simply giving and giving and draining myself. Can I truly be a good friend when it is so one sided? I know this person truly cares for me and loves me. And I wouldn't sever the relationship as completely as I did with J. But I've lost too many tears over trying to figure out how to make this work. I only have so much of myself to give.
