“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
― Lemony Snicket
I've lost loved ones before; grandparents, uncles and friends. Nothing prepared me for losing someone like this.
I was reeling from pain and confusion last night. And loneliness. So much loneliness. I'm usually a pretty self reliant person. I don't need constant interaction. I don't need to talk to people all the time. But last night, the only thing I could understand was my need for human interaction. But not just anyone. I need someone connected to him.
After my workday ended, I had Nate take Sami to her tap lessons and then to a festival at the school. I know I should have used that time alone to get all of my tears out. To snap out of this funk. But I couldn't.
But at the same time it was easy. During a meeting at work in the afternoon, I was my normal upbeat self. But as soon as I closed out of the screen, it hit me in the pit of my stomach.
I finished some work, and focused on the tasks in front of me. Keeping my mind off of it seemed like the best way to process it.
I took a hot shower, slipped on his old PT sweats and curled up trying to focus on my book. Nate put me to bed around 8 and I fell into a fitful sleep. I woke up as he left for work at 10 and laid curled up in bed trying to stop the emotions, trying to stop the memories and trying to get a handle on what I was feeling.
I spent the entire night unable to sleep so I got up and blogged. Nicole responded and we talked, about what to feel and how to handle what happened.
I spoke to Floyd. Who was there for so much and who is struggling with so much.
Today was hard. Some very hurtful things were said about me and most of them flat out lies. And why? So some girl who did not know me could feel better about herself? I've dealt with jealousy of the latest flame. I've dealt with it for years before. But never at this point. He's dead. Alan is gone. So why is some woman who knows only one side of our story, saying such wretched things about me? Why is the group of girls trying to control my grief? They are in their 30's. They are old enough to be mature about this. If the truly loved Alan, why would they hurt someone he cared about?
Alan was an amazing man. He was strong, sweet, loving and open. But he was also a very flawed, very damaged man when I met him.
We had so many things to deal with; my healing from an abusive relationship with Keven. His hang ups from previous relationships, the death of his mother when he was a child. His extreme attempts to cover his mistakes. I had dealt with infidelity with every relationship before him. So when it happened with him, I brushed it off. Excuses, tears, pain. It was all part of his deeply troubled soul. And I loved him despite it.
We got through it as we got through so much else; his deployment that was cut short by his illness, his crazy family and friends and my adjusting to my new life in Texas. It wasn't a bad relationship. We had our issues, we had our problems. We also had an amazing ability to laugh with one another and to comfort each other. We made a good team. But we also made good adversaries. Our passions and tempers got the best of us. And we didn't know how to fix each other.
It wasn't all my fault. I tried so much. I put up with things that only I know about. But he had an amazing ability to make things look different. I remember lying in bed with him discussing separating. How he said it was the hardest decision of his life, but that he needed to prove to me he could be faithful and dedicated how he wanted to fix things. But it wouldn't happen.
I remember the day of our wedding. Alan was always an exuberant person. On a normal day he was smiling and bouncy. The day of our wedding was beyond compare. The woman at the licensing office had to ask him to calm down and stop bouncing so she could explain the paperwork. The guard sitting outside the judge's chamber got a kick out of his pacing and bouncing on his feet. As I walked into the hall, he stopped and stared. The look in his eyes is something I've never seen before. He was happy and in love and despite what others may think or feel, I was too.
The only people who know how our relationship was, was him and me. Others may try to look in and make judgements, but they were not there. They were not in our hearts and minds. They can say "well Alan said this" but unfortunately he had an ability to say what he felt others wanted to hear or he thought was what he should say and not always what was real. I loved him completely. It just wasn't enough to save us from ourselves.
He loved Samantha. He loved Samantha more than life itself. I just wish he had been there for her life.
I don't even know how I'm doing. I've not eaten in two days. I've not slept for more than two hours. I'm going through the motions. I try to be calm with friends that chat. I try to focus on what needs to get done, when all the time I am moments away from breaking down. Nate just doesn't know what to do. So he's doing what he can. Keeping Sami entertained, giving me space and reminding me to try and sleep and eat.
I'm trying. I'm trying to get through this and I'm trying to grieve. But there is just so much confusion and frustration.
When you find your home is not your own, a bitter end took all you know.
If along the way the wars we've waged, take us down a little ways,
Gotta let go. Gotta let go. Gotta let go and seize the day.
When you find your back against the wall, feeling broke and so damn small.
When the fury's rising in your chest, from a bitter soul who took your best,
Gotta let go. Gotta let go. Gotta let go and seize the day.
When the doors are closing one by one, you can't hide, no you can't run.
When the love you knew has gone away, you hold so tight but still it fades,
Gotta let go. Gotta let go. Gotta let go and seize the day.
Would I treat Candace like that if Nate had died? She was his girlfriend, they spent a good year together. I know part of her still cares for him.
No. Because no matter how they parted ways, despite the things she did, despite the fights they had. They did love each other. That love may not have lasted. It may not have been in the same vein as my love and dedication to Alan was, but part of their lives were connected no matter how brief and fleeting. No matter how young they were. No matter how crazy she's been, she deserves closure.
What would happen in Matt died? I like to think that Felicia would contact me. She knows that I care about him and she knows he meant something to me. But I'm not sure. She doesn't want us to speak and that's her prerogative. But is it fair to anyone?
Its 4 am. I'm hurt by what has been said about me. I'm hurt that because some woman threatened me, I can't be at Alan's funeral to say my goodbyes.
Thank you for all the kind words. Thank you to Nicole, Rose, Andrew and Thurm for sending me your love and healing words. They are what got me through today.
I'll be okay one day. Just not today.
Losing a loved one is never easy. You know I'm here for you if you need to talk, vent, or whatever. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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