I love the way you lie....

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts..

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

Well that's all right because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

The world is abuzz. Eminem has done it again and shocked the world with a song and now a video that shocks the censors. In February 2009, Rihanna was the victim of a very public domestic abuse case with her then boyfriend Chris Brown. So it is heart wrenching to see her singing to a song about domestic abuse. As many of his songs do, this one hits close to home.  I’m been in an abusive relationship. Watching the video and listening to the song brought back so many memories. As I’ve escaped the cycle of abuse I’ve been able to heal and see the issues from a different aspect. Hopefully learn lessons and grow from them.

Keven and I were doomed from the start. I was not in a healthy emotional state when we met. I was emotionally raw from my split from Matt and from the miscarriages and desperately looking to punish myself. I despised myself for the pain I had caused Matt and for the mistakes I had made.  I saw my destruction as the only way to purge my sins. Keven didn’t know how to love anyone but himself. . .Keven didn’t know how to love himself.

The lies started at once. He would work late, go see friends that were not aware of the plans, condoms would show up that he would claim he was holding for a friend or were a joke, girls would call and tell me they were sleeping with him. I would brush it off. I knew he was cheating. I knew it with every fiber of my being…but I would pretend that if I didn’t accept the truth, it wasn’t real. After dealing with Brian’s infidelity, I couldn’t handle more. Despite my refusal to accept the truth, it didn’t stop me from questioning him which I did often. He always steadfastly denied it, even when I had proof.  There was always an excuse, always an explanation.

It wasn’t long until the fights escalated. We would yell and scream at each other, he would call me names and belittle my existence and then it led to him grabbing my arms and twisting them to force me to stay. I would push him away, I would fight him off. Yet I wouldn’t leave.  Every fight, every bruise that swelled on my arm was a mark of my punishment. The blood was my debt.

 I grew up in a state of absolute chaos. My parents screamed and threw things at each other and I was usually a witness or pawn in most of their arguments. It became calming. The sound of glass breaking and screams and slamming doors lulled me to sleep at night.  It was all I knew. It was what felt right. I needed that chaos in my life; I was drawn to Keven because his dysfunction and his aggression and anger filled my need for chaos.

After the affairs and the lies began, the fights became more and more physical. He would pin me to the bed and against the wall. He would throw me across the room and smack me upside the head. I became very good at hiding bruises.

When I was pregnant with Samantha, Keven was constantly on me about my weight. He never liked me to gain too much weight during my pregnancies (although it mattered little as he had another girl at the time anyway) We had gotten into an argument and he had thrown me across the room where I landed on my stomach after falling over the bed. I sat there crying over my stomach as the bruises started to show on my arms and belly. I knew my life was in shambles. I knew I was not in a healthy place. But at the same time, I didn’t know how to get out. I felt as if leaving would mean that I was yet again a failure. I had no money, I was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy I had a 2 year old son and Keven was my sole support. My mother was no help. He had isolated me from my friends, I was alone.  
But at the same time I was in a hell of my own creation.

If Keven and I had truly loved each other and loved ourselves, we would have been able to help heal each other. We could have seen that the other needed help and instead of watching the other burn, helped bring the other to salvation. But we didn’t. We stood back and watched the flames destroy things. We fed off of the pain the other was in. We fed off the destruction of the other. We knew that we were poison, but like an alcoholic we craved that poison.

It’s always easy to say “Why don’t these women just leave?” or “I could never stay in an abusive relationship, women who do are just weak. If they really wanted out, there is the door! They can walk out any time”

But it’s not that easy. You get used to it. You think…well, maybe they won’t do it again. If I walk out now…what happens if they stop? All the work I put in on fixing him is lost. When things are good…Things are great! All of those things that made you fell in love with him, are there. The gorgeous blue eyes, the infectious laugh, the way he squeezes your hand and sings to you are there. They make you think the bad never existed. This good period can last from a few hours to a few weeks…to a few months….even a few years. Then one night things snap and everything changes again. 

After a while, you begin to think that the abuse is deserved. Perhaps if you had done things better, or if you had kept your mouth shut….He wouldn’t have struck you.  I never said it was healthy thinking…

A few months after Samantha’s birth, I had an emotional affair with Matt. Obviously I was at fault. I had betrayed Keven’s trust and I had broken my vows. I had no idea what was coming…Matt’s wife had discovered the affair and felt it was her responsibility to inform Keven of it; even though I had already admitted everything to him. After she told him, was one of the worst punishments I ever received. But he told me; I had learned my lesson. I had. Felicia still stands by the fact that she did what was best for me in that situation…

I was eventually able to get out. How, I don’t know. But I did. And I am a completely different person now than I was three years ago when I left Arkansas with a suitcase of clothing and a baby. Leaving Brandon behind with Cook has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it haunts me to this day. I miss my son every day. But I know that if I had stayed, my children would have lost their mother forever.  I know one day I will have healed completely from my experience. I just hope that my pain and lessons will teach Samantha what is and isn’t acceptable from a loving relationship.

Abuse is real. It’s not easy to deal with or escape. It’s addictive and its painful. The pain and the humiliation become completely and utterly encompassing. It surrounds you. It suffocates you and there is rarely an easy way out. While it is easy to say “Just leave!” it is never easy to do so… Abused women are not stupid and they are not weak. Sometimes they just need you. They just need to know that they have a friend that isn’t judging them. Isn’t spying on them and loves and respects them. Because sometimes…yours is the only love and respect they have.


  1. Thanks for sharing. You rock. :)

  2. You made me cry, Chissie. I love you. *hugs*

  3. ....wow....
    my sis was in an abusive relationship and so i saw the pain from the other side

  4. On an entirely different, and slightly perkier note, I passed on a blog award to you...


    No worries if you don't get around to keeping the meme going, but I thought it was kind of fun!

  5. I just want to say that I love you. You are such a strong, courageous woman. You've helped me through my tough times. I am so sorry for what that jackass put you through, for that "woman" claiming that she did what was best for you. If she knew what was really the best for you, she would have helped to get you out of that situation. People like her are enablers who WILL stand back and watch what happens to you, not once helping end abuse. I know we don't talk a lot these days, but I am always here for you. No matter what. Love you, C!


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