Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
Today was supposed to be a normal day. Nate was sitting for his WAPS test. Sami had school and today was my day for reports at work. We woke up and I dragged myself to the computer to start work. Nate left for his test, and I got Sami off to school.
I came back, sat down at the table with my laptop for a meeting. Pretty simple meeting going over Excel documents and reports for clients and all of the normal things. The meeting was with Michelle, and she has always been good at relaxing me and being fun and a good laugh.
But there was something wrong, I've felt off all week. Like something was about to happen. I was so nervous yesterday I was tempted to check Sami out of school just to be with her. Because I felt something wrong in the pit of my stomach.
The meeting ended, and I flipped over to THL to see if there was anything major, and a message pops up.
From Felicia. Usually when she messages me, my stomach tightens because chances are, it isn't for a good reason.
"I just heard about Alan, just wanted to let you know you and Sami are in my prayers!"
Everything went hazy. I couldn't see straight, I felt dizzy and light headed. What happened? I knew he had been arrested for drinking and driving a couple weeks ago. Is this what she was talking about? I knew he had been struggling, but after the horribly abusive text messages his girlfriend sent me, I hadn't reached out to him out of fear.
He had unfriended me on Facebook last month. I'm not 100% sure why because we had been pretty friendly for the last year or more.
So I backtracked my way to Nikki's page. Just photos of him. I knew he was gone. In my heart I knew he was dead. Part of me wanted to think Felicia was just trying to hurt me. That she was just playing some awful prank. But I knew she wouldn't stoop that low. She may not like me, but I don't think she is that vengeful anymore.
I sent Nikki a message, but never got a response.
I messaged Thurm and received no response.
But why should I? I am probably the most hated person he has ever known.
I found Floyd's page. And saw the dates confirming his death.
My head was spinning as I googled him, for any information.
That was when I noticed a message in my Other inbox on Facebook.
It was Kathy. Sweet, wonderful Kathy had messaged me early Tuesday to inform me of his passing.
I messaged back a slew of incomprehensible blabber.
Nate walked in, and when I whispered what had happened he looked as shocked as I felt.
But what can I feel? I am his ex. I caused him so much pain. Reading the horrible things Tina sent me, made me realize that perhaps this isn't my grief. I don't deserve to grieve this.
I loved him. So very much. But I couldn't stand by and let us destroy one another. I wasn't what made him happy. And he deserved happiness.
So where do I stand? We rarely ever think of the exes when we grieve the loss of someone.
But they loved them. Even if things changed, even if things happened, there was love there. They spent a part of their lives with the person. Do they not deserve to grieve? Do they just go on?
If you love someone so much that you are in physical pain from their death, then why aren't you still together?
Was I a coward for saying No more? His drinking was starting to get out of hand. I begged him to take care of himself, I begged him to focus on getting healthy. But it fell on deaf ears. I was spiraling out of control. I never felt good enough. I never felt that I could fulfill him the way he needed.
But there was always love there. I chose what was best for my happiness and sanity. Because I knew I wasn't what was making him happy.
After we separated, I wanted him to sat in my life. I wanted him to be a part of Sami's life. I told him time and time again. We fought back and forth.
I wasn't keeping her from him because I was being a bitch. I wasn't doing it for attention.
I was doing it to protect Sami. I told him, time and time again. That I want him in her life. But only if he could be stable. Only if he could get his life on track and be a stable and good influence on her.
I spent so many nights listening to her cry and ask for him. But what could I say? That he wasn't sober enough? That he wasn't able to hold down a job? That my biggest fear would be that she would become so attached to him, and then he would fade out as soon as his latest girlfriend snapped her fingers? Or worse. That he would die on her from some foolish behavior?
Im angry. I'm angry that I wasn't in his life. I'm angry that I let someone treat me the way she did and keep me from speaking to him. That I let things end on a bad note. Our last few words were in pain.
I'm angry that he wasn't taking care of himself. I'm angry that he was alone. I'm angry that I couldn't be what he wanted.
I'm angry that I don't know how I should feel.
I'm sad that I lost someone I love. That I lost someone who could cheer me up by saying hey. That l Sami lost some one that loved her more than life itself.
I'm confused because I know I shouldn't cry. I shouldn't turn to Nate to grieve the loss of my ex. I'm confused because I know Nate's known him longer than I did and that he is losing someone he cared for as well and I'm just not capable of understanding his feelings. I'm confused because while I am no longer in love with him. I do love him. I didn't want a marriage with him, but I wanted his friendship. We started out as friends, why couldn't we salvage that?
I'm scared because I know so many hate me for what I did to him. For the pain I caused him. That I don't deserve sympathy or to feel anything.
That I feel so wrong reaching out to people to express my sympathy because I feel so responsible for everything that went wrong in his life.
I'm sad that I wasn't a better wife to him.
I don't even know why Im writing this. I don't even know why I am even up at 12:30 trying to figure out how I feel.
I reached out to a few of his friends. Although no one has responded. But I hope, that someone out there truly understands that I am so sorry for their loss.
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Christina,
ReplyDeleteYou and Sami have our condolences, we just prayed for you and for everyone reeling and hurting from this loss.
I really admire your honesty in this post... it hurt to read, your words reflect such raw confusion, so many feelings - it's a lot to take in.
I'm sure your head is in so many places right now, that's normal and expected. Talking about how you feel is great (you know this).
I will add my own two cents though - it doesn't matter that your romantic relationship didn't last, you certainly have EVERY right to your feelings now. I can only imagine how hard it must be that your most recent interactions were not on the nicest of terms and that the two of y'all weren't speaking much recently... break-ups are hard and messy, and exes go through a huge range of feelings towards each other after the romantic relationship ends.
You are totally allowed to be sad, angry, let down, hurt... you can feel anything you want. This is something huge that does hit close to home for you. Just because it hurts, your current relationship with Nate isn't diminished. Just because you and Alan weren't involved anymore doesn't mean that your feelings will be shut out to pain at a time like this.
I'm always around and hardly ever sleep if you want to chat. I love you, hang in there!!
Dear Christina. I can only imagine your grief right now. And you do have every right to grieve. Just as you have every right to be confused about your feelings. I'm just now learning that relationships are the most intricate, tricky, confusing, saddening, and strange things in the world. Just know this: that everything you are feeling right now is valid and real, and no one should make you feel differently. I love you, and I am always here for you. Please call me if you need to.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss, you and Sami are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteChristina,
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing this (I am a friend of Nikki's and went to college with Alan). I have actually been thinking about this subject a lot since Alan's death -- how would I feel/get through it if I were in Nikki's/your shoes? What would my ex be going through if something happened to me? Should I get in touch with her again because life is short and you never know? Even something as big as death doesn't make things a whole lot less complicated.
I hope that putting it into words has helped you and that you are doing alright. If I'm this upset, I can only imagine what you're going through.
Thank you. I wish there was more I could do to help you, to help anyone hurting right now. Because I know I need all the help I need.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes. Reconnect with your ex. It doesn't have to be anything more than," I miss you. I wish you well and I hope we can remember our good times and remember that we meant something to one another and always will. "
Alan and I had many talks after our divorce, and until the very end, it was mostly positive and healing. It helped. It helped to hear his voice at least one more time.
Actually ended up doing just that and so far it has been very positive (funny, what I said was very similar). So you have helped quite a bit already.
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad to hear that. It made me smile to think that out of this, some good came.
ReplyDelete*hugs*