So long, my luckless romance...

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them"

Grief is all consuming for people like me. I love rarely. I love deeply, and no matter the strain on that love. No matter how it changes, it remains through everything. If you truly love something, no matter the pain, no matter the destruction it goes through, it will be reborn.

Something so many people struggle with is defining emotions. Defining how people should and should not feel. This person should not love that person because they didn't stay together.

Sometimes you have to love someone so much, you have to let them go. Because the only person you can change. The only person you can control, is yourself. If you can't see someone for who they are, and can only focus on how you want them to be or how they used to be, if you can only focus on the mistakes, you have to let go. 

Something Alan and I always talked about was how we were so alike, so yearning to reach higher planes of existence, we were both wild and free spirited, damaged and raw. It was hard to cage one another. 

A quote I read that hit hard was this:

"Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.”

It echoed our lives together so much. When we were good, we enjoyed being together and there is an emptiness in my life since we split, and that emptiness is now a hollowness now that he is dead. But at same time, there was a relief on both our parts. Because we knew we weren't giving each other the lives we deserved. By letting go, by releasing each other of our legal bonds, we gave each other wings. 

Sometimes you have to let go to save the one you love. Holding on when it hurts another is selfish. If a person needs something you aren't capable of providing, if you can't make them happy without destroying yourself, you have to decide that your love for them, is greater than your selfish wants. 

It's been almost 2 months since Alan died. I'm moving on. I'm rebuilding myself. I was able to attend a function with hundreds of people and I handled it. 

I've gained back 9 pounds. I'm able to focus on work. I'm responding to people, I'm engaged in conversation. I'm able to make plans and I am looking forward to the future. 

THIS is what Alan wanted; me to love him, cherish him, but to live my life and pursue my happiness. 
I found old text messages, and he said so many times how he wanted me to be happy. How he wanted me to know how much my happiness and safety meant to him. 

There are times it hurts. Times when things are rough, but I know for years I had his love and devotion. His love for me went beyond talk. He acted on it. He married me. He made it known to his family, friends and the world that I was the one he wanted. It wasn't just something he told me to ease my insecurities. He did it to share our life. Something he didn't do again with anyone. 

I will go on from this experience knowing how much he adored and loved Sami. He always said, "Sami may not have my name, she may not have my genes, but she is Mi Corazón by choice, not genetics, but because she is my child in my heart, mind and soul." 

Sami is so loved. Why would I ever push away someone who loves her and wants the best for her? Nate loves her more than anything, as did Alan. She will grow up knowing that she is loved and supported by so many. 

My grief is my own. And it is healing. Because that is what he would have wanted. I've not lashed out at anyone else to heal myself. Because that would desecrate his memory. Yet others haven't learned that about him that he didn't hold grudges, that he loved more than he admitted. I refuse to be used for someone else to target. And I don't have to. I have the love and support of so many. That understand that not many people know what I am going through, and know that my love for one person, does not diminish my love for others. It strengthens it. If I can love someone so damaged, that caused me so much pain, I learn to value myself and others more. I learn that love begets love. Hate begets hate. If you send out hate into the universe, you will only get that back. Its hard to love an angry bitter person. 

I've been through hell the last couple of months, but I've learned that I am so blessed and so lucky. Alan didn't stop loving me after he died. He made sure I was supported. He gave me Nikki. Someone that meant so much to him, he has given me a bridge to form a friendship with a woman that knows how he truly was. That doesn't place him on a pedestal, but understands him as only the women he loved would understand. Do I wish it had come differently? Yes.Of course. But I don't think it could have happened without this pain this grief, that knitted us together. 

I love you, Alan. For what you were, what you are and what you could have been. Thank you. For the lessons you gave me, and give me to this day. For realizing, that love comes in many forms. And for giving me a chance to live the life I deserve. I will always remember you. But I am ready to accept your death. I am not over my grief, but I am ready to accept that you are gone forever. 

I am ready to shake off the clouds, and live my life like you would want me to. You once said, to truly love and honor someone that has passed on, you must live life. Dwelling on the pain, is not what the loved one would have wanted. 

Don't forget. Never forget. But love and live. I will live. I will love, and I will heal. Regardless of what others want. I will not demean you by not living. I almost lost it 2 months ago. Looking back, I very well could have been so consumed with guilt and grief that I lost myself. But those around me held on to me and pulled me up. Thank you for showing me my soul, breaking me down, and building me up to be ready to embrace life. 

I want this to be my last post about my grief. Because I know so many that don't support me read this. For reasons beyond my comprehension, when they should deal with their own grief, they are obsessed with mine. I don't want to give them the escape. I want them to heal. But we will see. I won't promise anything. But I will promise that I am alive. I am going on, and I no longer fear my pain. 

I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

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