Forgiveness is the final form of love.

So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time

It is now public. While I've known of her pregnancy for a bit now, seeing the post on the forum was a punch in the gut. Hell, she probably wanted it to be.  I want to be happy for them, and part of me truly is. It is something that they've struggled with for years. 

But I am an insanely selfish person. While this is a great step for them, it brings up such painful memories. I was instantly reminded of the vile things she said about my miscarriages. What she said about my parenting skills and how she never apologized and stood by it because she was "young".

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Was she in the wrong for lashing out at me in pain? No, not at all. I would possibly have done the same thing. Insecurity clouds the mind. You become so desperate to cling to what you have that you will move Heaven and Earth to achieve keep it. You will destroy another person if it helps you attain what you want. I took something from her that I had no rights to. I paid for my mistakes and I paid for my transgressions. I still pay for them. 

While I can understand why she said the things she said, no matter how I rationalize it, the pain is still there. "The child probably wasn't even his", "How can you set such a horrible example for your daughter?" "Perhaps you miscarried because God knew Matt didn't love you"

So, how can I be happy for her? She has pulled me down so far. She has caused me so many tears, so much doubt and so much pain.  There are very few people that have seen me cry in the last few years, and even fewer that have caused those tears. She should be pleased to know she is one of those.

It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

I'm really not a horrible person. I've made horrible choices. I've hurt others so much. But karma has been great with reminding me of those mistakes and paying back that which I put out.  Do I not deserve forgiveness? Possibly. I found it very difficult to forgive a person once. It cost me so many years, so much happiness and so much pain to cling to that hate. So I forgave that person. Am I best friends with them? No. But they no longer have power over me. I no longer give thought to revenge. I no longer wish them ill.

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

Do I forgive her the wretched things she's said to me? I want to. I do. But it hurts. These are things that echo in my mind in my weakest moments.

I have the ability to be a very vengeful person. It has always been something I struggled with because when I or someone I love is hurt, I feel an undeniable urge to release my vengeance and make that person hurt.  But with age comes not only wrinkles but wisdom.

The bible teaches us that he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he who rules his spirit can capture a city. He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.
(yes its a Veronica Mars quote deal with it)

I am far from perfect. Part of me wants to just reach out and bring her down and destroy her. But what will that accomplish? Sure, it would feel GREAT for a few minutes maybe even a few days...

But in the end, I would have caused undue pain on someone that holds something dear to be sacred. Hurting her, would hurt Matt. Which would hurt me. 

I've always had a soft spot for her. I've tried desperately not to care about her thoughts. But I do. For I am a glutton for punishment. 

Do I want to be friends? You know, I am not sure. I've not completely written the idea off.I want to resolve this pain and anger. I want to be at peace. 

I care about her. Which I think makes me one of the saddest twisted individuals I've met.

But, I don't need her forgiveness. Do I want her apology? Yes. But I want a true heart felt apology. I want her to realize the pain we've both caused each other and know that I never set out to hurt her intentionally where I think she has. 

People have always said I should leave the past in the past. But what happens when that "past" is part of my present? She and I must one day accept that we are tied to one another. We are both loved by the same person. While in different ways, that love is and always will be there and only grows stronger the more it is denied.

 If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.

We've not always hated each other. Last spring we got to a point where we actually spoke. (And not in a I'm plotting your demise, please tell me where you'd like to be buried sense) But we disagreed on some important aspects. I refuse to deny my thoughts and feelings and she couldn't accept that. I don't forget. I might forgive but pain is not erased easily.  While we had taken a step forward. It wasn't perfect and we've seemed to have taken a step back since then. Or twenty.

Maybe someday we can get to a point where there is no anger.

But I still hurt, I still feel slightly wounded. Perhaps its for the best. But I doubt it. The more pain I feel, the harder it is not to lash out. 

Let me add this before people freak out and lecture me. :) I don't want to be with him anymore. I've seen what he is capable of and wouldn't want that for myself. I know we're better off where we are. We are both in love with others. Others that know how to handle us and how to care for us. But I can't erase my past and my present. Neither should I.

'Cause I believe that love is the answer

I believe that love will find the way

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