Day 05 Your definition of love

Love: (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

Sounds pretty simple.

But it isn't, is it?

I've loved so much in my life. I've been loved far more than I ever deserved. 

There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen.

I've always had a difficult time allowing people to love me. Even from a young age I struggled against it. As a teenager, when a romantic love became to deep, I started to push away. This lead to a lot of pain for everyone.

Matt and I had a very brief dating relationship. He said "I love you" on our 2nd date and I panicked so I ran thinking that surely he couldn't feel that for me. Boy, was I wrong! Not everyone worked on my schedule. The love he claimed to have for me while so alien and premature to me, was deep and serious and long lasting to him and would survive separation, pain, anger and loss.

This was a huge lesson in love for me. Love isn't easy. Love isn't always perfect and it doesn't always mean that things will work out perfectly. Love does not equal the fairy tale. Sometimes love is unfulfilled. Sometimes it becomes something you aren't expecting and don't want. But it is constant and it is enduring. It doesn't have to be sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it is the dark cloud in the sky, the secret pain you carry.

When I do love, I love with all of my heart and soul. I give everything. So if that relationship sours, I lose a part of myself. Even when I love outside of romance.

Everyone always defines love as romance. But to me it is so much more than that. It is a connection to another soul regardless of romance, sex, gender and earthly bounds.

Love is trust. But it is also giving your self over to a power greater than that. Can you love someone that has betrayed your trust? Sometimes that is when you have to love someone the most. When you give of yourself, when you let down your guard knowing that they can and will hurt you you strengthen your love more than years of perfect untested love.

Some people look at my past and say that I didn't know love. That if I truly loved someone, I wouldn't have left. I would have stayed and worked through anything.

But I couldn't. I loved them too much, to strain and break the connection we had. Can you love someone that constantly lets us down? Yes. But at what cost?

Why not salvage what you can, and save everyone from years of hatred and pain. Love can be destroyed. It can be fragile. Papers mean nothing to that connection. I'd rather be seen as a failure than to fail myself and fail my heart. 

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to be with them.

Bittersweet memories 

that is all I'm taking with me. 
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what you, you need. 

I have a hard time trusting people, this is something I've always struggled with and will until my dying day.  But when I can let down my guard, when I can confide and when I can let people see me at my most vulnerable, is when I love them enough to share myself with them.

I love my children. I want nothing more in life for them to be happy, healthy and wise. I want them to feel pain, so they can learn to rejoice even in the rain. I want them to stumble, so they learn to pick themselves up and know that I'm always here for them.

I love my friends. I would move heaven and earth to make their lives even a bit easier and more fulfilling.

I love those in my past, my present and those I have yet to meet. They made me who I am today and I made them the people they are today.

Most of all, I love my enemies. For they show me my strength and they show me my weakness. Sometimes your enemies are your greatest ally. They hold a mirror up to you and make you see what is good and what is bad. They keep us grounded and they test us more than anyone. They show us what love can become if it is not cultivated and protected and they show us where to strive to love. I have had two major enemies in my life. One tested my resolve to love myself and I overcame that. I learned to look within myself for my self esteem and to know that I am my own strength. She is no longer my enemy. She might never be my friend. But I love her for the good she brought to my life, the lessons she forced me to learn and for the bad that hardened me and shaped me. I learned to shield my heart, but also that if you don't let people in or if you hold them at arms distance, you will live a shell of a life. I don't want to live like that.

My other enemy still challenges me. It is something I will deal with for some time. For it shows me my weakness and my mistakes. But it also taught me that sometimes what others see as my mistakes, is some of the best things I've done in my life. I regret nothing.

Cause Every time the time was right

All the words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you in a song

Love is life. It is allowing someone to join in your life and shape it in how ever they will. Love is your good and your bad, your pain and your triumph and giving that to another person so they can shape themselves and allowing you to shape them for the good or ill.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

1 comment

  1. I don't say this nearly often enough, but AI love you, Chrissie. You truly are my best friend, and I would be a mess without you.

    (Well, a considerably bigger mess, anyhow...:P)


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