Christina Holmes

Some days are better, today was not one of them. I'm trying to go through the motions and some of it works.

Just not everything.

I miss him.  I was watching the coverage of the firing of Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino, and thinking about how I would text him score updates on games when he was at work. How I would text him when I had questions about the sports world. I don't have anyone like that anymore.

I was looking through my Facebook download. And I am so glad I saved it. Up until the last few months of his life, he would comment on so much; on photos of Sami, statuses , photos of the cat and dog, photos of me. We weren't best friends, but we were friendly. He would post sweet things, some I would delete because they would not be quite appropriate if viewed by people that didn't understand how we worked and so that Jacunda® wouldn't feel uncomfortable with the things he said. I regret that now. No matter how things played out, I know we were important to one another. I know I was a hallmark of his life. I know I brought good to his life. Things didn't work out the way we both wanted. But I know we were important and life altering to one another. We taught each other so much. When he blocked me a few days after his death. (Crazy how that can happen huh?) It felt as if he was dying all over again. When I first noticed, there was a glimmer of crazy hope that he was actually alive. But I know that's not true.

 How can we go from talking often, random texts, calls on holidays and birthdays, comments on my page..to supposedly hating me a few weeks later?   Nothing major happened, we had no major blowouts other than the normal "Stop being an idiot and take care of your health" ones.

 I know that people handle their grief in different ways. But that action cut my to the core.

I know its pointless to wonder. I know it's pointless to ask "What if" . . . but its my blog and this is my grief, and I am handling it as well as I can in the way that is helping me.

What if we hadn't divorced? My feelings for Nate aside, what if Alan and I had stayed together. Would he be alive today? Even up to when I left, we had long term goals. If things had worked out, we would be living in England right now.

Re-reading Nikki's journal, I realized he truly did mourn the loss of our relationship. He spiraled. He went from a 5.5 A1C to astronomical levels. I don't know if that guilt will ever go away. I know I can't control his actions. I know I can't control the things that led up to the end of us. I know I can blame myself for being too afraid of an insignificant blip in his wild, colorful love life, to reach out and make my friendship and love known.  I earned my place in his life, through blood, sweat, tears and the vows we made each other.

Days are easier than the nights. The nights were so symbolic of our life. We met in the middle of the night, we spoke for 6 months in the middle of the night. The first time we saw one another was at night, he proposed at night and  many of our best conversations happened in the dead of night.

I'm trying to stay busy. Work has helped immensely with that. It's definitely not easy to think about other things now that work is hectic.

I don't know know what I would do if it wasn't for Nikki. I know that woman has to be sick to death of hearing from me. But as much as Nate is trying to help, I need someone that understands. That knows what I went through, that knows what I'm putting myself through and knows that while I am by far a saint and that I fucked up; I am not evil. I am not a horrible person. That I am human, and as such is capable of being impulsive and destructive but that it doesn't mean I am a waste of space.

I'm working towards making better decisions. I've eaten the last 3 nights. While I've not started to regain weight, I am holding steady at over 100 pounds.

Sleep is a gamble. Some nights I am up all night. Sometimes I can sleep in 2 hour chunks. This afternoon, I came home from my hair appointment and was able to sleep for a couple hours.

Baby steps.

Personal life is...I'm not sure.

I'm having a hard time connecting with people. Mostly because I am still just too emotionally worn to take on much else. Usually I find it easier to deal with my problems when helping others. Lately, not so much. I just want some quiet time and alone time from a majority of things. It will get better.  I know it will.

Nate and I are well. I know he was worried about me. But he knows me well enough to know I would never hurt myself.

Baby steps.