The show must go on

Inside my heart is breaking my
Make-up may be flaking but my
Smile still stays on

It's been almost a week since my world completely changed. I'm trying to grasp everything. I'm trying to process it and come to terms with everything. It's slow. It's painful, but I know I have to keep going forward. 

I have things to look forward to. 

Sami's first recital is May 26th. It will be good to see all of her hard work. I wonder if she has stage fright. I wonder how she will look in her costumes and make up.  I plan on making sure she has roses. I loved getting flowers when I worked on a show. 

Her last day of school is May 24th. Im just shocked she is so close to the end of her first school year. It's definitely been interesting and not necessarily easy. She has areas she needs to work on, but in most subjects she's above grade level. That in itself is awesome. Nate missed  good chunk of this year, and will miss a majority of next year. So school has sort of been mine and Sami's thing. 

We have a military function on the 19th of May. I bought my gown a while ago, thank goodness I've not had my final fitting as the week has wrecked my weight. But it will be a fun event. 

Sami's birthday party is in 3 weeks. I was all gung-ho about the planning of it last week, but the news of Alan pretty much knocked that out completely. So I need to sit down put the invitations together and work on the rest of the plans. 

I will make my way to Atlanta at the very end of August for Dragon*Con.

I seriously considered not going. I mean, a Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention? That was pretty much his Mecca. But, I need it. I need it for the break before Nate goes to Korea, I need it to spend time with Brandon and Erin, I need to meet my niece Sage. 

It's going to be fucking hard at times. I am pretty sure it might be the event that 100% brings it home to me. I know the last one I went to was a daily reminder of him. This one? Guaranteed. But I have Erin and Brandon. And I am certain they will be able to keep me from becoming too despondent. Plus, if I skip it, I will regret it. I've not seen them in almost 2 years and its just too long. This is pretty much the longest term goal I've set in order to keep from losing it completely. Sad? Probably. 

We will learn where we are headed next soonish. And that is something that will take a lot of planning and thought. 

I've not decided what to do as far as where to go when Nate's in Korea. For some reason Alan's death was a huge blow to my confidence and heart.  Part of me wants to get the fuck out of South Dakota, part of me wants to stay because its familiar and I have so much healing to do and I'm settled here. Why not stock up, hunker down for a year to get myself to a better place emotionally before such a huge move?

So much to look forward to. Yet my heart just isn't into it. I feel emotionally and physically drained. I'm sure things will look up. But right now, its rough. 

I went out today. I forgot that Easter is this weekend and realized that I haven't done a thing to get ready for it. Nor had I picked up Nate's birthday gift. 

So I went to Target and it was just surreal. I worked in that store for a year, you would think I would know where things were like the DVD section. Or the cards. But no, I wandered for a good half hour trying to get my bearings. There were just so many people. I tried to be friendly when I needed to be, but it seemed so off and mechanical. 

I got what I needed, and I am pretty sure I got stuff for her basket. And I know I got Nate's gift. (Big Bang Theory) So either way it was successful. 

I only cried twice today. Once in the car when driving to town, and once this afternoon when I was texting his sister.

So that is a huge step up. At least I think. 

I tried to eat, I promise you I did. I ate some green beans and mashed potatoes before they came back up. Later, like an idiot, I tried again and even had a few pieces of steak. Not even 5 minutes later it came up as well.

I'm down about 11 pounds now. Nothing too major. But I am going to attempt to see my doctor tomorrow about it. It's close enough to a 10% drop in body weight that it's probably good to bring it up. Maybe he can prescribe an antiemetic. Then its just getting my appetite up and I'm dandy. 

Things will get better. 

Tonight I am just numb. I'm trying not to be angry with things. But its hard. I am angry over things being said about me. I'm angry with myself for letting it get to me. I know the truth, that should be enough. 

I always thought that if a loved one died, I wouldn't want to know the details. But I guess that just isn't always the truth. 

As sick and twisted as it is, there is one thing I'm clinging to. That he had broken up with her shortly before his death. I know, this screams jealously. But it's more the fact that I know, he had stood up for himself, he was free. He died knowing his heart was open and unfettered and he was free of the thing that bound him in his final months. 

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