Remember us and all we used to be

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Over the last few days, I've questioned so much. I've questioned my choices, I've questioned my feelings and I've questioned my life and place. 

Did he love me? He saved me. I don't think anyone realizes how much he did. I don't think I did.  We started talking when Keven and I were ending. He was the one that, helped me see that I didn't deserve abuse. That I didn't deserve infidelity. 

I re-read his blog tonight. Which is where we met. Did anyone know that?

He mentions me, he was very secretive about me at first. But there are mentions. 

I remember the night he called me, and before I could even finish saying hello, he blurted out that He loved me. I could sense the love in his voice. 

The first night together... 

I had just driven nine hours to Texas, spent an emotional couple hours with my grandmother, Danny and Dona and the kids. Then spent an hour looking for Kitty's. When I couldn't find her house, I called him. Tired, emotional, drained and spent. He told me to come over, gave me directions and within 5 minutes I was in his parking lot. I sat in the car for a few moments trying to sort my thoughts, when my car door opened. I looked up in the darkness, and felt arms pulling me out to him and into a kiss. Our first. He squeezed me so hard. He held me so tight. I turned to get Sami out of the car. Holding her to my chest, she was so small. Just barely a year old and fast asleep. We walked into his apartment and he pulled her from my arms and sat holding her and rocking her. Before putting her to bed. 

I never believed in love at first sight until that night. Seeing the love as he held her, was amazing. That love would only grow deeper and deeper during our time together. 

We talked for hours, laughed, cuddled. And fell asleep with Sami between us. It was the first time in many years I woke up at peace. He whispered how much he loved me when I dozed off in his arms. 

He woke up for work, tucked the blankets around me and Sami. Kissed us both and said he'd be back soon. I spent the day getting settled in Texas. Found my aunt's house. Got the car cleaned out and settled at her place. Applied for jobs, got reacquainted with Texas. And met Katy. Who would become my best friend. 

We went on our first date. To a pizza place. I remember he spent a good 20 minutes talking to a little kid in a little league uniform about sports. 

He was supportive as I found a job and a sitter. I sent care packages while he was deployed. 

He called me whenever he could. When he became ill, I was frightened. He talked to me in Germany. 

I met him at the airport when he came home, and it was like he had never left. 

It didn't end because of lack of love. There was never a lack of love. Just months before I left, when I was in the cancer treatment room, and they couldn't get my heartbeat to stabilize, he was there, with tears in his eyes and he clutched at my hand. 

I remember those treatments. As I sat in the chair with the IVs hooked up to both arms, as they pumped me with so much medication that it made me sick. When he had to wheel me to the car because the treatment had left me unable to move. 

I remember rushing him to the hospital. Stressed and scared. As he made jokes. 

I remember him watching Sami take her first steps. 

I remember him taking Sami trick or treating for the first time. 

I remember the positive pregnancy test. 

I remember the blood.

I remember the zoo. When just hours before we had talked about him comparing our relationship to his with Nicole. I remember him playing with the ring she gave him. And it falling off his necklace and falling into the water below. 

I remember him telling me he was scared to love me completely. That when something was going good for him, he would subconsciously do things to push that away. Because he didn't feel it was what he deserved. I understand this. Because I do the same thing. 

I remember him calling me other names in bed.

I remember him crashing the car into a house. 

I remember him walking away in his uniform, with Sami's hand in his. 

I remember him calling out her name in his sleep and needing to hold her as a nightmare hit him.

I remember his face when the doctor said it wasn't safe for us to have a child until after my treatments were done. 

I remember his arms wrapping around me as I cried saying I couldn't handle the pain.

I remember feeling so lost and unwanted. 

I remember him telling me to be happy. 

I remember him telling me I wasn't as sexual as others had been. 

I remember him reading to Sami. 

I know in my mind, I know in my logical mind he loved me. I know that by the things he said to me. Alan was an amazing man. But he was at times overly melodramatic and secretive. 

So why is it so hard?

Why can my heart not say without a doubt. Yes. he loved you. Yes, he wanted you. Yes, he wanted to be your husband.  No, he doesn't regret marrying you. No, he didn't hate you. 

Nikki said that our entire relationship was impulsive. And I agree. 

But at the same time, he was impulsive and so was I. It is the core of our beings. I think it was fitting our marriage was the same. We were two forces of nature, that would devour each other. I don't regret the divorce. Because I know we didn't end up running it into destruction. Unable to recall positive memories. He sent me a text a few months ago, saying he missed me and was missing the little things. Making him dinner, putting his dinner in the microwave when he had to work late. Surprising him with an afternoon of sushi and arcade games, making sure he took his medication. Making sure he always had snacks in his backpack. 

If I had held on until it had 100% destroyed me, would we have had that exchange? Would he have any positive memories of me left? Would he still love Sami?

I have no regrets marrying him. We saved each other in so many ways. He was doing so well while we were together. He was happy, he was stable. He was starting to really live life. 

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me

But it got to be too much, we both fell back into self destructive ways. We both started to destroy the other. I was still dealing with the pain of the custody battle over Sami and Brandon. I was angry with myself for not being more. For not being as  physically attractive as he wanted. For caring too much. He once said what drew him to Heather was that she didn't care. That she didn't push him to face his problems. That she didn't love him like I did. 

I know I will always have part of his heart. It was granted to me by the love we once had, the vows we made, and the fact he chose me to be his wife. What would be the only woman he married. 

And I have Sami. While she was not biologically his, she has more of him in her than her biological father. He taught her so much. To walk, to talk, her love of dinosaurs. God, she loves dinosaurs. She can name their scientific name. She will correct me if I name one wrong. 

She loves Garbage. She hates N*Sync. She loves music. Of all sorts. One day, I will be able to give her his radio broadcasts. And I hope she cherishes them as much as I do. 

She has his love. And while he is gone, I hope she always remembers that. 

I want to one day, give her a gift. A book. Of photos of him, stories from his family and friends. One day I hope to do this. When jealousies and anger subside, and people can forgive me. 

I'm not doing well. I've not eaten since I found out. Not a bite. I've lost nearly 10 pounds. I can only sleep when the emotions get too much to face. I tried to eat a carrot tonight. But before I could even bite it, I was nauseated and had to throw up. Throwing up when you haven't eaten in days? Didn't think that was possible.

I was tucking Sami in tonight, and reading her a bedtime story as she cuddled up next to me and grabbed Miss Moo and said "I have Miss Moo, and I'll love her and hold her forever"

I know I have to stay strong for her. I know I have to not let my life go to pieces. 

I am so grateful I work from home. I don't know what my coworkers or Jeff would do if they had to deal with me crying during work as I have. Its hard, one of my coworkers reminds me of him so much. Both Jersey boys, both went to Rutgers, both boisterous, sports and music lovers, they even look similar. 

He and I don't speak usually. Which for now, is good. Because even their word usage is the same. 

Nate is doing what he can. It's hard to open up to him about this. Because I don't want to hurt him.  He understands and doesn't judge. I think he hurts too. 

Last night, I went to check on Sami as become common and she was so still and so quiet. I had to wake her up to make sure she was still breathing. The same with Nate. 

I'm grateful for his friends. 

Nicole. every logical reason in the world should hate me. Doesn't. She understood him in a way not everyone did. She understands from a first hand experience how painful it is to watch the man you love self destruct and not be able to stop him. She doesn't judge. Or if she does, she doesn't berate me for it. Which is what I need right now.

Andrew, who while we've had our issues. Is there. Checking on me, listening to me rant and babble about everything. Who was there when Alan and I first talked, when he first said he loved me.

Kathy is having such a hard time. I never met her. But I love her like the sister she once could have been. 

Thurm. Oh Thurm. Who doesn't judge. At all. Whose words to me when we first connected were so real and so full of emotion.

I don't know what I would do without them. They are my link to him. They are, in my ways, all I have left of him. 

I don't know what I would have done if they hadn't been there. 

I know I have a new life. I know I've moved on. But part of my heart still lingers there. I know I'm in a better place. I know I am able to give Sami the type of mother she deserves. I know I can be a good wife to Nate. And I know he loves me. 

I know Alan wanted me happy. I know he approved of Nate. I know while it hurt, he was content that I was happy and safe. 

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

So where does this leave me? The vengeful hateful ex wife? The coward? The girl who can't let go?

I couldn't even bring myself to see him one last time. To kiss him goodbye. To tell his father and his aunt and uncle how much he meant to me. 

I hate funerals. Always have. I hate the idea of seeing your loved one dead. Looking at a dead body. Taking photos of it.

But this is different. This is so different. My heart feels as if it is being torn. I feel the heaviness in my stomach and chest. All I could think about was seeing him. To kiss him, no matter how badly he looked. To tuck our photo in with him. To tell him he broke his promise and to tell him I love him. 

I know he wasn't going to be the man I grew old with. Those dreams went away when I knew I couldn't watch us destroy one another. But I owe so much to him. He saved me. He gave me Nate.  Who can love me the way he couldn't. 

He gave me everything he could. But did it take all of him to do so? Was giving his consent to my life with Nate the final nail? Did it take the last bit of fight out of him?

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I know I'm better off on this path in life. I know I can have a good fulfilling life. And I owe that to him. 

One of the last text messages he sent me was this, he sent it to me when Tina was saying horribly nasty things to me. 

"I don't have anything to say...this is ALL her. I don't have battles to fight with you. I'm not trying to hurt you. Whatever she said is completely her"

I hold to that. I have to. Its all I have to hold to right now. 

I will be better, I have to be. For Sami and Nate and for myself. I've been through hell before. I've been through so much pain. Why is this so hard?

I've always been resilient, I've always been strong. But this has brought me to my knees. 

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

1 comment

  1. Regrets are part of us, it helps to make us who we are as a person. Stop living the past. You both did what was needed to be done at that time, that present, now the past. Shake it, move on. Give Nate and Sami a hug and go get a cheeseburger. Love you and miss you.


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