I miss you, miss you so bad...

Day 4: A little bit better, a little bit worse

It's amazing, when at times like this, it's the little things that get to you.


Saturday was rough. I dozed from about 6:30 to 6:45. So I focused on whatever I could. I cleaned the office, I texted with his sister and Nicole. . . and I can't even remember much of the rest of the day.  I think we tried to go grocery shopping, but the crowds were making it hard for me to breathe and the memories of grocery shopping with Alan. 

Grocery shopping with him was always an adventure. He was like a kid in a candy store. Bouncing from one aisle to the next, fast paced and trying to get him to slow down and plan out what to buy was always interesting. The first time we moved in together, we went to the store to get groceries, bought cookbooks and curled up on the sofa picking out recipes to try. 

Nate and I did talk. We cleaned the upstairs, and sat on the landing and I tried as best I could to get out my thoughts; my sorrow, my fears, my anger and my guilt. 

It helped. To be able to break through that wall that was preventing me from talking to him. How do you talk to your husband about the grief you feel about your ex? Alan is the one that introduced us. Alan is the one that said "No matter how much I love you and want you, I know he can be what you deserve and treat you better than I have"

After the failed attempt at grocery shopping, I decided I needed something productive. I needed something to do with my hands. So I bought this:

I came home, and sat down at the table and methodically built it. Brick by brick, all 442 pieces. Despite the help of Geordi and his fat ass:

I finished just as the waves of emotion hit. It was 11 pm, and I felt so trapped. I got dressed and left the house. Thankfully it was a warm evening, unusual in the South Dakota springs. I walked and walked, around the neighborhood, the housing area, to the other side of the base and back. Over 2 hours of just wandering and crying, looking back, I'm shocked that security forces didn't stop me. 

I came home and curled up in bed with Geordi. Nate came to bed and quickly fell asleep. I tossed and turned for a few hours, dozing off and then just as I would slip into sleep, horrifying images would invade my thoughts. 


Sami woke up about 6:30, I laid in bed for a bit, finally getting up and making her breakfast, getting her dressed. As I was pulling out clothes from her closet, I noticed the NJ Devils jersey Alan sent her in her closet. 

It has always been too big for her, but seeing her spinning around in it and grinning helped. He had her last name and her favorite number put on it. And I am so happy she has it. It helps knowing its something he touched, and picked out himself. 

I set Sami up with her legos to play with as I showered and dressed. In the spur of the moment, I decided to do something I never do. I tweeted a celebrity about his death and within a few minutes, he responded. 

I can just picture now how Alan would have reacted to being tweeted to by Kevin Smith. I can just see the HUGE grin on his face, his shoulders lifting and him jumping around and telling everyone about it. 

I know Kevin Smith doesn't know who in the world he is, I know he doesn't know me at all and I know it was just a few seconds out of his day. 

But it was a few seconds out of his day, where Alan crossed his mind. Enough to trim my tweet, favorite it, and to send out a message. 

I feel so isolated.

The day was quiet. I was able to laugh at Sami's antics. I was able to sit outside and feel the heat of the sun. I folded laundry, and did a few things around the house. I texted with my mother. I texted with Kathy and Nicole. I messaged Andrew. I even watched TV.  Yet I had to be careful, it was of course, a Star Wars weekend. Usually I would watch, but I can't. 

I landed on an episode of "How I met Your Mother" but I know I'll never be able to watch that show again without thinking of Alan. The character Ted Mosby, reminds me too much of him. They have similar mannerisms and expressions. 

I was able to doze for another 30 minutes or so. Only waking up in tears once. 

I have work tonight. I start in about 25 minutes. The wind is ravaging outside but inside, Geordi is snoring, Sami is tucked into bed and I have my memories to keep me company. 

I want so much to be on the plane right now to Jersey, to kiss him goodbye. To tell him how much he meant to me, to grieve and to hold those he loved. 

I feel so forgotten. Nicole and Thurm and Kathy have been amazing at remembering me and putting up with me. Despite the fact we've never officially met, but it feels as if our life together has been pushed into the dark. Which may be because I am not there to represent our life, our memories, our history and our love. 

At the same time, I want people to know how much we shared. How much we loved one another and how for three years, we were together and he was happy.  I want him to forever have a token of us.

I hated seeing him self destruct over the last year. Seeing him push long time friends away, seeing him drown his feelings, feeling lonely when he could have been surrounded by so many that truly loved him and wanted the best for him. 

I've always been a supporter of surrounding yourself only with positive people and those that support your healthy habits and your healthy choices. I can't imagine being friends or involved with someone that didn't support me to be as healthy as I can and civil and kind to those I've loved. 

I will continue to do this. I will surround myself with love. I will be civil to those that my loved ones care for and I will respect them. That is the least I could do for myself and my loved ones. 

I still have so many questions. So many doubts and so many fears. 

I've always been one to believe the negative more than the positive said to me. And this is the same situation. 

It seems crazy to care. To worry about how people see me and what they think. 

But at the same time, things were so crazy and confusing a few months ago. Those questions still remain.

Did he truly love me? Was he ever really in love with me? Did he hate me? Did he regret us like Tina claimed? I might never know. 

1 comment

  1. Hang in there, Christina. You're doing the right thing by keeping busy. I wanted you to know that even though I can't understand the full scope of your grief, I do empathize and I do get what it's like when every tiny thing reminds you of someone. I'm going through that with thoughts of John now. The grocery shopping and Star Wars especially reminded me of that. John even gave me that very same Lego set for Christmas. It's the tiny things, in the end, that stay with us. The things you take for granted when you're together are so painful when the other person is gone.

    I'm not trying to trump your pain with my own. I just wanted you to know that I do understand on some level. Someday it will get better (she said unironically), dear girl.


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